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I have met great teachers whose love for these children kept them in school even when they struggled to learn. In the shelter of this love, children of trauma find an oasis in the desert of their lives. They still have difficulties, but they found external resources to keep them going.

On the other hand, I have met teachers who were not so great and their judgment of these children was like an arrow in the children's hearts. The children react by coming out fighting for their lives.

We are a society that does not understand the relationship between stress experienced by a child and its effect on that child's development. Children in school are misunderstood and their difficult behaviors and attitudes are judged harshly. Sad for me to say but, in this neck of the woods, even when administrators know that children have been traumatized, they still give "licks" as punishment for misbehavior that is deemed consciously chosen.

Understanding the Traumatized or Troubled Child

I don't know when there will be a better understanding that punishing a traumatized child, especially physically, is perpetrating more violence on a small, helpless already-assaulted body. It is not a teaching or calming interaction and, though it may work temporarily, the damage to the spirit and soul of that child is unseen and immeasurable. It verifies to the child that they are 'bad'.

Peter Levine, who has worked in the field of trauma for over 30 years states, "Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness." His and others' research has demonstrated that trauma happens first at the level of the body, and the emotions and mind follow.

The education system still works at the level of cognition when it comes to traumatized children's behaviors; unknowingly this keeps them stuck in a trauma-reactive system. Educators' lack of understanding that children with these difficult behaviors are reacting from a place of not feeling safe, is an unconscious reaction and not a choice.

What these children need are environments of understanding adults who can help them navigate to a place of feeling safe and secure. They need to understand this is possible and doable because the same biological system that leads one into a traumatic state due to environmental factors is connected to another biological system that can calm the traumatized one when the environment reflects safety.

A traumatized child is a child who lives in fear and whose basic belief is that, "The world is not safe. Adults are not safe. I am not safe."

How Can I Help a Traumatized Child?

As you interact with children of trauma, whether you are a parent, caregiver, or educator, ask yourself, "Is what I am about to do with this child teaching them I am a safe person? That they can count on me? Or I'm just another mean-faced, scary, hurtful adult?"

What parents, caregivers, and teachers can do to help children feel safe:

 

    1. Understand that a behavior is a consequence of feelings and needs. Trauma-reactive behaviors are indicators that the child is overwhelmed, doesn't feel safe, and can't manage their behavior. (Again this is not a choice.) Look for the child's underlying need: Is there too much stimulation in the room? Do they need to come and sit or stand by you for a moment to help them regulate? Do they need to go to the bathroom, but are having trouble transitioning from the game they are playing? Are they hungry? Are they tired?

 

    1. Calm your own emotions about the child's behavior. Children who are aggressive, have an attitude or are defiant can trigger an adult's reaction regarding issues of respect, compliance, and "proper" behavior. Deal with your issues first, otherwise you will be triggered into trying to control the child. This will only lead to an escalation of their behavior and you will be in a negative feedback loop (giving negativity only leads to receiving negativity).

 

    1. Remember that a child who is emotionally triggered does not have their thinking cap or their ears on. Wait until you and the child are calm. Then have a conversation about what happened. Ask them what happened and then listen to what they have to say. Then talk to them about what they need to do different the next time.

 

    1. Have a safe space in the room and teach all your children at home or in the classroom that it is a place they can go to where they won't get in trouble and they can calm themselves down. Many traumatized children are aware of what they are feeling but they don't know what to do and once they are "there," they can't ask. You know that from your own experience. The important thing is to not get to that "there" place. Prevention is helpful with this.

 

    1. Quietly without a lot of words direct the child away from the situation and have them sit close to you, then go back to what you are doing. This keeps the child from being isolated which is what a time out does. Instead you are giving them a time in while you go on about your business.

 

    1. Sometimes the only thing you can do is the best you can to make sure everyone stays safe. If the child won't leave, have everyone else get away from them, leave the room or go to another part of the playground. This is not the time to try to show who is boss. You will learn it is not you.

 

    1. Maintaining a routine and doing what you say you are going to do will help provide an ongoing repetition of safety.

 

    1. Recognize you may not know what triggers a child into traumatizing behaviors. It could be a sight, a sound, something within them like a memory or a felt sense in their body. It could be a loud noise, someone's voice the child perceives as loud. See their reactions as communication of their need for safety and provide that to them.

 

    1. Teach yourself and your child breathing exercises, yoga or put on soothing music.

 

  1. Understand that traumatized children are more likely to get sick and have other health issues like asthma, headaches, and stomachaches and frequently need to go to the bathroom or have accidents. (I recently had two school age clients diagnosed with stomach migraines by their pediatricians. Never heard of it but I've worked with many children like them who have ongoing chronic headaches and severe stomach pains). Often these physical symptoms are discounted at home and school because the child is thought to be trying to get out of something or be manipulative. I did not find that to be so. If you study the neurophysiology of trauma you will find ample evidence to change your mind.

 

Traumatized children, especially those of school-age, have multiple hurdles to jump and need adults to understand, listen, and hold the child accountable. Parents, teachers, and caregivers should help nurture the child to a calmer place so they can be ready to learn. Children of trauma really want to be like all the other kids: learning, growing, having fun and being loved.

Deborah Chelette-Wilson, is an author, speaker, master relationship coach and counselor. For over thirty years she has worked 'in the trenches' with children and families who have experienced stress, trauma, attachment and relationship problems. When people use her approach their relationships improve.

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