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Expert Author Deborah Chelette-Wilson

A client brought a tightly woven ball of twine to show me how she felt. She pointed to a place inside the ball and stated I'm right there and if I don't' get out soon I'm going to die. I shared with her about how our defenses, triggered from our survival response system, can turn in on themselves. What once protected now becomes a prison. We unconsciously keep reacting the same way expecting different results. We keep winding ourselves up creating more bars on the prison. It becomes a paradox. We can't do away with our defense but we can't let them run our lives either.

Then I remembered a lesson from nature and shared it with this client: a large green and black garden spider was living in a red leaf bush outside my office window. One day something caught my eye. I looked out the window. I couldn't believe my eyes. Struggling in its' web was a hummingbird. I raced outside and gently pulled the hummingbird off the bush but the strands of web were still wrapped around it. They were so sticky that the more the hummingbird struggled to get free the tighter they got around its' tiny wings. It was stuck and could not fly. Very carefully I held the hummingbird in my hand as I removed the sticky strands of web. The strands reminded me about how sticky our repeatedly used defense mechanisms can unconsciously keep us stuck in feeling powerless, helpless and hopeless. We need a different perception to see what is causing our stuckness. When we are willing to accept a little help we can get unstuck. After the hummingbird's wings were free it gracefully and speedily flew away. I moved the spider to a different bush so we would not have a repeat performance since the hummingbirds frequented that bush.

My client asked to go and see this spider. When I took her to the bush I had placed it on we discovered it had created a very beautifully intricate and large web. As we looked at the beautiful green spider with long black legs it came to me that our defenses need to be like a web that we stand in the middle of. I shook the bush. The whole web vibrated. The spider moved up the web away from the vibration. He didn't need to attack he just got out of the way. If he did need to protect himself there was plenty of space to do that. The spider had flexibility and mobility. The spider could move any where he wanted to take care of his world, keep him self safe or get dinner. So often we attack (reaction) rather than move away (response). Things aren't always about survival but our thinking makes it so. Staying stuck in survival makes us rigid and frozen. The client looked at the spider and its web. Then she looked at her ball of twine. "I don't have to stay so wound up. Do I?" she asked. "No." I answered. She left with much food for thought.

Deborah Chelette-Wilson is a relationship coach, authoress and speaker whose powerful message for women is "It's time to stop waiting for permission to be all that we can be(without being a bitch about it)." Her inspiring message helps women harness their personal power, find peace within and become part of the shift in creating healthier and more loving relationships, beginning with the one with their self. In order to honor someone else's heart you must first honor your own.

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